CLASSROOMS
Thereafter the Lord leads me to the pit of grief so that I could see inside me, what I denied
and repressed, making me captive of myself and of the sin.
So for a long time the Lord worked with my thorns, process which was very painful
because psychologically I resisted me, but He was stronger than me, as one of the prophets
proclaimed, and I had to face my worst enemy: myself.
In this resistance I suffered from major headaches and all kinds of disorders because they
were psychosomatic, due to tension and conflict of trying to suppress the pain, but at the
same time should face it because every day the Lord was showing it to me.
It really hurt me to be in the heavenly classroom. It hurt me to physical, emotional and
spiritual level.
I remember when one morning I heard inside me a voice saying: "the pain that you are
feeling has a purpose to God".
And I was surprised, but gave no much importance. I said: this is a call to write for an aunt
who is in terminal phase. I always thought that God spoke to me to carry the message to
others, but I did not know that He first must speak to our heart sick and wounded until we
speak to others.
And that voice I heard spoke to me the following day in the morning.
I started to dream of my childhood and suddenly I saw myself flying and playing on a
sidewalk at the age of five or six years. And a voice explained to me the traumas of my
childhood and fear of the devil, the one with red tail and a punishing God came from my
24
sin of playing innocent children sex games pretending to be a mother with other children
my age. Nothing really happened, but that left me a terrible sense of guilt, false guilt that
affected my self-esteem in my adulthood.
Of course this caused me immense pain so I started to cry for several days and at the same
time I started to feel anger against those who had hurt me. I had depression and many
struggles, but the Lord was saving me.
And God that does everything perfect, for this process sent my family to Nicaragua, so this
could not find out of the crisis that was facing because of the traumas of my childhood.
That was better because it is to be expected that I would have charged up even the family´s
cat because that is the first reaction of humans when facing with conflicts.
There were many conflicts within me that I decided to start writing what I felt and try to
find a biblical response to each one of the ties that made me prisoner.
I should add also that to be in heavenly classrooms, God moved me from a house where I
lived and was like a social club, to another where nobody visited me.
I got the solitude that I needed to listen to the voice of God, but at that time I did not
understand it, so I was wondering how hard that was to follow to the Lord because my
"friends" had abandoned me.
I wrote and wrote. I needed to understand everything that had happened in my life, but
above all, I needed to understand God's response. So for a long time I wrote with a pencil
on paper sheets, in cartons, receipts, anything where I could express what I was feeling.
There were many writings which I made and which I condensed on this restoration Guide,
then the Lord said unto me: I have given you a way that you may write for others that are
walking in the darkness and pain of their past. For those also who are too eager to forward
and forget about living in the present, because they are afraid of an uncertain future.
25
By that time also God took me to the Baptist Theological Seminary where I studied courses
in Christian Psychology and Theology and where I'm currently studying for the degree of
Bachelor in Theology. Furthermore, to be able to understand my conflict, I have studied in
self-taught a Christian Psychology course. They were hard years of great solitude. So I
spent much time looking for His answer and trying to find "the peace that surpasses all
understanding", trying to find "the truth set us free".
And the spirit of God always put me this verse:
“A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the LORD[a]; make straight
in the desert a highway for our God.” (Isaiah 40: 3)
Because the spirit of God speaks to us in different ways: first puts "the willpower and the
deed" within the heart; speaks through passages or Bible verses; in prayer, through other
Christian brothers; through circumstances.
Every Christian knows when God is trying to deal with his life. It seems that around the
world, even the "phone and television" would agree to talk about that. And when we know
that it is God reproofing, reminding, calling, talking, consoling... we feel that everything is
illuminated.
It is an experience that no human thing can replace. And then we confront this entire
message with the Word of God and our context of life and everything is consistent.
We know that God is up to in the smallest details because he is omnipresent. And then dare
to tell him the things which we have repressed or that shame us with fear. Because we
know that in any case He knows them all. It is when we begin to have confidence and to let
that perfect love "cast out fear, because fear involves punishment".
26
It is when we act by lowering defense mechanisms because we know that we will not be
hurt or rejected by God because that was what we experienced in our mundane lives. And
then we know that God is with us.
And that was what I was beginning to feel, after trailing the fear of an inadequate image of
God. And I knew that He was sending me for that I Ministry but I didn't know how He was
going to do that.
Thereafter the Lord leads me to the pit of grief so that I could see inside me, what I denied
and repressed, making me captive of myself and of the sin.
So for a long time the Lord worked with my thorns, process which was very painful
because psychologically I resisted me, but He was stronger than me, as one of the prophets
proclaimed, and I had to face my worst enemy: myself.
In this resistance I suffered from major headaches and all kinds of disorders because they
were psychosomatic, due to tension and conflict of trying to suppress the pain, but at the
same time should face it because every day the Lord was showing it to me.
It really hurt me to be in the heavenly classroom. It hurt me to physical, emotional and
spiritual level.
I remember when one morning I heard inside me a voice saying: "the pain that you are
feeling has a purpose to God".
And I was surprised, but gave no much importance. I said: this is a call to write for an aunt
who is in terminal phase. I always thought that God spoke to me to carry the message to
others, but I did not know that He first must speak to our heart sick and wounded until we
speak to others.
And that voice I heard spoke to me the following day in the morning.
I started to dream of my childhood and suddenly I saw myself flying and playing on a
sidewalk at the age of five or six years. And a voice explained to me the traumas of my
childhood and fear of the devil, the one with red tail and a punishing God came from my
24
sin of playing innocent children sex games pretending to be a mother with other children
my age. Nothing really happened, but that left me a terrible sense of guilt, false guilt that
affected my self-esteem in my adulthood.
Of course this caused me immense pain so I started to cry for several days and at the same
time I started to feel anger against those who had hurt me. I had depression and many
struggles, but the Lord was saving me.
And God that does everything perfect, for this process sent my family to Nicaragua, so this
could not find out of the crisis that was facing because of the traumas of my childhood.
That was better because it is to be expected that I would have charged up even the family´s
cat because that is the first reaction of humans when facing with conflicts.
There were many conflicts within me that I decided to start writing what I felt and try to
find a biblical response to each one of the ties that made me prisoner.
I should add also that to be in heavenly classrooms, God moved me from a house where I
lived and was like a social club, to another where nobody visited me.
I got the solitude that I needed to listen to the voice of God, but at that time I did not
understand it, so I was wondering how hard that was to follow to the Lord because my
"friends" had abandoned me.
I wrote and wrote. I needed to understand everything that had happened in my life, but
above all, I needed to understand God's response. So for a long time I wrote with a pencil
on paper sheets, in cartons, receipts, anything where I could express what I was feeling.
There were many writings which I made and which I condensed on this restoration Guide,
then the Lord said unto me: I have given you a way that you may write for others that are
walking in the darkness and pain of their past. For those also who are too eager to forward
and forget about living in the present, because they are afraid of an uncertain future.
25
By that time also God took me to the Baptist Theological Seminary where I studied courses
in Christian Psychology and Theology and where I'm currently studying for the degree of
Bachelor in Theology. Furthermore, to be able to understand my conflict, I have studied in
self-taught a Christian Psychology course. They were hard years of great solitude. So I
spent much time looking for His answer and trying to find "the peace that surpasses all
understanding", trying to find "the truth set us free".
And the spirit of God always put me this verse:
“A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the LORD[a]; make straight
in the desert a highway for our God.” (Isaiah 40: 3)
Because the spirit of God speaks to us in different ways: first puts "the willpower and the
deed" within the heart; speaks through passages or Bible verses; in prayer, through other
Christian brothers; through circumstances.
Every Christian knows when God is trying to deal with his life. It seems that around the
world, even the "phone and television" would agree to talk about that. And when we know
that it is God reproofing, reminding, calling, talking, consoling... we feel that everything is
illuminated.
It is an experience that no human thing can replace. And then we confront this entire
message with the Word of God and our context of life and everything is consistent.
We know that God is up to in the smallest details because he is omnipresent. And then dare
to tell him the things which we have repressed or that shame us with fear. Because we
know that in any case He knows them all. It is when we begin to have confidence and to let
that perfect love "cast out fear, because fear involves punishment".
26
It is when we act by lowering defense mechanisms because we know that we will not be
hurt or rejected by God because that was what we experienced in our mundane lives. And
then we know that God is with us.
And that was what I was beginning to feel, after trailing the fear of an inadequate image of
God. And I knew that He was sending me for that I Ministry but I didn't know how He was
going to do that.
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